Getting Old: The Truth at 64

 

Dear friends. I'm almost 64, a memorable age thanks to "Vera, Chuck and Dave"  (courtesy of The Beatles)*

We see a lot of clickbait telling us what women over 50 shouldn't wear. We see a lot of famous older women camouflaging their age, as if it's something to be ashamed of, thanks to cosmetic surgery and tweakments. 

But one of the things that rarely gets discussed is how we feel about ageing.  

I'm doing precisely that today.

Most of the visible women over 50 on social media are trim, energetic and confident in their style choices.

Sometimes they wear bikinis in an attempt to right the narrative that only young women should dare to do this.  They always lose large numbers of followers when they do this.

They try to stick to a new script that tells us, women over 60, that we should be vocal about being positive about ageing. 

In the main, I try to be positive.  But there are times when ageing sucks.  It really does. I know my body is healthy and strong, but it's also saggy and crepey. 

I do all I can to stay fit and flexible, but I still have to avoid doing low squats at the gym after a thoughtless Gen Y instructor asked "is that you?" in front of the class because my knees creak. Some of my moves in yoga have to be adapted because I can no longer put pressure on my left wrist because of a carpal boss.

Don't Get Me Started on the Face

Since I gave up HRT in 2021, it's been in rapid decline thanks to oestrogen leaving the building. Recent research from Stanford University said that at 44 and 60, many of our molecules and microorganisms dramatically rise or fall in number.  Cardiovascular events and changes in immune function changed in people in their early 60s.

I now have a lattice of lines across my cheeks and jowls, plus a "melasma moustache"   (pigmentation on the top lip, which looks like Tom Selleck). The solution is not more make-up. I find after a few hours it creeps into the lines, particularly around the eyes. 

I'm not expecting you to say "but you look great". I'm just being honest. In a good light  (and winter brings plenty of  that, thankfully) and after taking lots of photos, I can invariably find a few that are OK. But it's a time consuming and tedious process.

I know there are solutions out there, in the form of lasers, Botox and trendy lower face and neck lifts. But I passionately believe we shouldn't have to do all this. Women in the public eye, such as actors and models, sadly have to, because they wouldn't get work otherwise.  

I find the best ways to deal with it are a good haircut, a good lipstick and a light touch with carefully placed foundation and concealer. Opening up the eyes with a little eyeliner and mascara is also a gamechanger. 

Below:  The truth at 64, with no makeup on. And the difference a little makeup makes! 

Fashion: No Longer a Friend?

Fashion is another source of disillusion. I can understand why women over 60 feel they've lost their way. 

Wander into M&S or John Lewis and we're confronted with oversized everything and dresses/skirts that are either very long or very short. I won't even mention the depressing choice of colours.

Pop over to Pinterest and search for outfits over 60 and you'll get a selection of functional but boring outfits centred around navy and beige, loafers, "slacks" and turtle neck jumpers to hide our necks.

I was thrilled to find, rather late in life, a way of dressing that feels me:  namely retro 60s dresses, skirts and other gamine pieces.  But it's so difficult to find this style, particularly as winter approaches. There's a fine balance between looking OK in a sleeveless scooter style dress and looking like "Mutton". 

Invisibility 

I read just a few years ago that Elle McPherson had walked into a gala event and no heads turned. (She's 60). It's a curious phenomenon that in the UK and USA women become virtually invisible over 50. It happens less often in other countries of Europe. 

It's the thing I hate the most, as it implies older women are completely redundant and have very little to contribute. 

Try jostling at a busy bar where the bar staff are young. No chance of getting served.

Even wearing bright colours doesn't make us visible.  The only colour that seems to break through is purple, and it's also associated with eccentric old women!

There is a plus side to invisibility. We can speak out, and defend others when men are being predatory.  People find us intimidating when we have a voice. 

But Ladies, Ageing is a Privilege 

Having got a few things off my chest, I'll tell you that I'm being self indulgent and vain.  Ageing is a privilege that not all of us get.  My brother died at 60. At a recent school reunion, we remembered some people who died too young. So when I get into a funk, where I'm tempted to stay indoors wearing jogging pants and eating too much  (which happens!), I give myself a stern talking to and force myself off to the National Gallery (free). 

Making the Best Of It

I believe in reframing all the negative messages around ageing. My personal tips are:

Retirement 

• Retirement is the best time of our life. Get out there, enjoy it. Lots of activities are free. 
• If you're coming up to retirement, write down the things you want to do.  It's important to have a plan, otherwise you'll get bored. 
• Revive old friendships. Get back in touch with school friends. It's brilliant to socialise with people our own age.
• Set yourself challenges. They don't have to be about numbers of squats or losing weight. Self care is very important over 60 when we are often sandwiched between ailing parents and children with young kids. Think of kind challenges. The occasional massage, new book or lunch with a friend.
• Don't take on too much. This is your time. We don't have an infinite amount of energy over 60. 
• Reconnect with your partner. It's easy to find yourself distanced from your partner because you have different hobbies and interests.  I aim to schedule at least one event a month where we go out, do something, and have lunch. Plus we use walks together for fitness and cycle in the warmer months.

Beauty, Fashion and Fitness 

• Get outside help for beauty and fashion.  Department stores often have events run by brands which are great as make-up lessons, and for trying latest products. Find John Lewis events. 
• If you find it difficult to buy clothes that flatter,  think about a style consultation. Try shopping with a stylish friend, asking them to select some clothes for you to try on.
• Make time for exercise, specifically aerobic, strength and flexibility. I've found my mix with fast walks  (gets the heart rate up), home workouts with weights and YouTube sessions  (avoiding the sweaty gym and all the grunting men), and Pilates. 
• Keep doing the strenuous workouts in classes with women younger than you are.  A good instructor will find adaptations to avoid all the risky high impact moves.
• Sunglasses hide a multitude of sins, but look silly indoors
• Scarves and turtle necks draw attention to saggy necks.

Stay Curious!

• Stay on top of tech. Don't become that dinosaur that has no idea what AI is. Have the latest phone and tablet, and use the new features.
• Remain curious.  Discover podcasts, even if it's just when you're ironing.  Go to the library.  Discover the myriad of activities available via organisations like Meet Up. 
• Be open to finding newness, whether it's a Netflix programme that's aimed at young people, a new scent or fashion jewellery.  Surprise and delight people by not being set in your ways.
• Be optimistic. Studies have shown Optimism is linked to longevity and well-being (National Institute on Aging)

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life 

I find Laurel and Hardy, Father Ted, Monty Python, Motherland and Carry On films never fail to raise a titter. 

I hope I've given you a bit of food for thought.  How are you on ageing - in denial, resigned, positive? Do tell in the comments.  Scroll down below the link-up for the comments box.

* It's interesting to note that Paul McCartney actually wrote "When I'm 64" when he was 14.  I remember at that age I thought 37 was old! And he admits that if he was writing the song now, he would probably change it to "When I'm 94".

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